oh my godddddd

2009-04-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

Introducing A New Product by John Primley

Listen, everybody's got problems. Whether it be you're bankrupt or you got vermin sneakin' around your garage or you got health problems. But none of these problems are anything compared to open sores. And while there are a stinkload of issues when you got open sores, none of them compares to the big one, the biggy guy: What are you gonna do with all that puss?!

Puss used to be a problem for me, just like you. But that's when I decided to change gears from "Average John" to "Johntrepreneur." I came up with Primley's Puss. A whole service puss pastry maker all in one. But how does it work?

With Pribby's Puss pastry maker, turning your old unwanted puss into a lip-smacking puss pastry is easier than ever before. Simply milk your sores of their puss into your pussy cup. Now cut a small hole in the top side of an eggy, and through the hole pour your puss along with some unflavored gelatin and the included packet of Primley's Special Seasoning. The hole will also act as a cooling vent to prevent your puss from overheating. Shake the pussy-eggy-vented-item, or PEVI, 3 times.

Now onto the final stage. Gently place your PEVI in the pastry pipe. Now customize your PEVI by adjusting the levers on the front of the pastry pipe. Choices are "kitten," "puppy," and "person" for people. If you're not sure who will be enjoying your PEVI, select "Critter/Unknown." For this example we'll pretend our PEVI is going to a stray cat (Figure D3). Meow Meow!

After about 5 minutes the whistle should sound four times alternating between long and short whistles, this means the PEVI is ready to be rotated. Open the lid and rotate the PEVI 180 degrees clockwise. You may want to consider tongs to avoid a nasty burn! Then close the lid and the PEVI will continue to cook.

After just 5 minutes more the PEVI is done and should once again whistle, this time 10 quarter notes in the key of C. After allowing it to cool, remove the PEVI, and crack open the shell. A thick beige goo should slowly drip from the eggshell. This is your puss pastry! Piping hot and ready to fill your belly.

Delicious! And no more wasted puss, making this product both tasty and green. If there was ever a product more necessary for your kitchen, my name is not John Primley. And for all of you doubting Thomases out there, check out some testimonials!

Testimonials:

"Now that's what I call home cooking!" Barb, 26, Tampa Bay

"Pets love em too! The total package." Davis, 61, Hot Springs

"It tasted acidic, but the box says it's actually no more acidic than a lemon." - Ginny, 34, Toledo

"Yummy yummy I hope I never stop pussing!" - Caroline, 8, Baltimore

"Am I dreaming?" - Michael, 20, Minneapolis

What a blog!

oh my godddddd